When I was a baby, approximately 1 or 2 years old, I think that is when I would’ve probably learnt how to walk… that year I gave up crawling and took the courage to stand on my small feet and take my first steps…That was probably my first daring feat!
When I grew a little older – moving into the toddler days – all of 4 years old, I stepped out of the comfort of my home to attend kindergarten. That year I gave up fearing the company of anybody else other than my family – I made my first friends that year.
Five years later when I was 9, I remember performing on stage, at school, in front of a live audience. I can recall the pre-event jitters I felt back then as a child. To go up on stage and perform was another baby step I took, towards defying the fear within. That year I probably learnt a small lesson on how to act despite of being afraid.
A complete introvert, at the age of 16, I remember raising my hand in a class full of students – I raised my hand with uncertainty, taking a chance to volunteer as a Unit Representative for one of the community service group. The class that I was sitting with, on one of the last few benches, comprised of toppers and few friends of the yesteryears. I served as the Unit Representative for about a year. Learnt a lot that year but the biggest lesson I think was to not be afraid of taking chances or maybe the lesson was to even defy any kind of inferiority complex.
When I turned 21, a student in the final year of college, it was the first year of my life when apart from enjoying the beautiful days of friendship and college adda days, it was also the year when I briefly learnt about the ways of the world. The first realization that nothing is permanent probably dawned upon me this year. No, nobody died, but growing up I guess comes with such experiences and realizations. That year I gave up crying over lost friendships to an extent. I think I learnt a small lesson to know how liberating it can be to let go. Maybe I didn’t realize it back then.
Every small incident, every mistake, every year taught me something. I can’t say that I don’t anymore feel scared, that I don’t fume with anger at times, that I don’t hurt people, I can’t say that I’m not selfish, I can’t say that I’m always mindful, I can’t say that Im not insecure but I check my words, thoughts and actions more often than before and I hope to be someone around whom others would feel comfortable and at peace.
Today, as I turn a year older, I still delve into my past at times – sometimes there is anger, sometimes some vague hope, sometimes some unfound fear…But on looking back I realize that only when you get real can you take a step towards what you want. I realize that I maybe can forgive myself and others. Acceptance is a word which is quite underrated. It isn’t easy to always accept a situation as it is.
This year, I hope to get real with my intentions, my emotions, my words, my efforts and more than anything – to get real with myself and to have the courage to accept the situations as it is. I hope to be a better me, I hope to be embraced by all that I have hoped for, I hope to be blessed with all that I have loved with all my heart. Sometimes, the battle between my heart and mind gets intense, my mind gives up and I let the heart enjoy a little ‘me time’ and at other times I let the mind do it’s own work. The battle shall continue.
In the meanwhile, let me just enjoy this day of attention from friends, family and colleagues! 😉
There will be people with larger battles to fight and much more harsher realities to accept. There might also be people who have had it easier, there will be readers younger than me who are yet to experience what I’ve experienced. I acknowledge all such instances and look forward to another year of experiences!